Wednesday, May 03, 2006


I seem to go through some amazing high points followed by some amazing insecure moments. I wonder why.

I think that for everything we do in life there is an intrinisc lesson. After gaining some distance over the past six months from my a year of absolute- I don't generally believe in absolutes- ups and downs, my lesson is becoming apparent to me; beware of mirages.

What is real?

If in a given situation, my feelings are strong; I know they are real. How about the person with whom I am interacting? Not so fast. I've been here before and my feelings have led me to believe what I have is mutual.

You'd think that I'd learn not to trust people. What I've learned is that I don't want to abandon or guard my trust in people regardless of the mirage affect. Even though I have seen some interesting oases shimmering in the distance lately, I know I am learning how to identify the real thing.

The thought occurred to me while I was in the shower that I have not set any defined goals in my life lately. Even with my writing. Even my poetry is on a slippery slope lately. I have stuff in the works, but haven't been motivated to push for the finish. (Sorry mom- I am working on it.)

I thought about a "to do" list. I suck at those. They get made and I never look at them again. But what the hell: write a goal, have a goal. (I am not numbering these because then there are no rules on the order.)

!) start writing fiction again. one story. any story.
@) finish my poetry and start sending it off. thank you again Stephanie for the links.
#) I want to be able to get to a place where I can express my emotions as well as Michele or my humor as well as Neil.
$) moving my butt out the door to the great outdoors; long drives are not an excuse to come home and collapse.
%) leave the people behind who have made the choice to stay there and concentrate on the people who are in my present. Thank you Danny for making me laugh when I cry over split milk.
^) I know my dreams and I need to start following them.

I think that is enough for now.


kylar said...

You can do it Mariemm! Just go for it. By the way, I love to do lists cause it makes me feel secure that I've planned everything out.

About what is real, I've been getting those feelings increasingly (maybe something about me being in my teenage years). But then again, my friends know I'm a bit strange most of the time.

High points/low moments = life.
Write a book.

Neil said...

Believe me, most of us suck at those to-do lists. Recently, I've been thinking about how much easier it is to blog than do my regular writing, and I think the reason is I just don't put any pressure on myself online. I don't get wound up too much about the quality. I'd love to get that same feeling doing my other writing, but I'm always procrastinating because it is a more painful experience. I'd love to be able to transfer some of the 'fun' of blogging to everything else. Have you tried to suppress that critic that is always in the back of your brain? Once you figure it out, tell me how you did it.

And, sorry about the mirages in your life. Again, we all have them.

Voix said...

One thing to remember about to do lists: they only work if they're short. If you put too many things on one list, you get overwhelmed and can't imagine ever finishing.

Good luck. Just write something, then something else. Don't worry about what it's supposed to be right now.

I got good at writing about my feelings because that was the only way I could get sane again. Hope you don't have to go there emotionally to learn the skill, too.

little sister :) said...

i have been feeling the same way the past few months. things would be much easier if people would just be on the up and up with each other. when i run in to one of these mirages, i try to think, i'm sure i learned something from this. i realize what good friends i do have that put up with me during these times of dealing with these other people(mostly guys). then if i don't feel better i just go after them with the black van. so, girlie let me know if there is anyone that needs to go on the list;)
it was good seeing you this weekend and i can't wait to crash a wedding with you and go to mobile. love ya :)